I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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