dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
