my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
