The maid of honor just puked.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
