I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a bag of teeth...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
