my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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