So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
