Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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