Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
