my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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