Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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