Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
