does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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