All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
