make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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