I just threw up on my dentist
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize