were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
