Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize