I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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