She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
