Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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