I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
