either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your dad touched me again.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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