My friends, they love my intelligence
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
