I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
