Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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