trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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