I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
