I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
