So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
