i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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