apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
