I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit