WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.