Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dating After Heartbreak
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me