were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
