This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
