I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
