He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
