so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
