Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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