How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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