I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
