Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
whose parrot is this?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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