He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
