well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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