Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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