I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
