you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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