All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
