Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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