Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
