A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
