Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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