I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
