If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
