My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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