i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
