I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
