What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
