So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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