Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
