I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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