I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
